Is
your son or daughter homosexual? Find advice from the Vancouver Sun's
parenting expert on how to discuss the idea of being open.
About
six months ago, my 16-year- old son confided in his younger brother
that he is gay. He made him swear to secrecy but it ended up slipping
out shortly after, and I in turn promised not to let on that I knew. I
have diligently kept my mouth shut. But it’s now been six months and my
son hasn’t said a word. He even wears a bracelet that was a gift from
the boyfriend he apparently has, and it drives me crazy to see him wear
it and not feel like I can say anything or share the experience.I’m an open, supportive parent, and have raised my boys in an environment that preaches love and tolerance. I want him to know right now that he is loved and supported no matter what, but I also want to respect his coming-out process. Will I be last to know? What do I do?
Supporting in Silence, Alderbrook
Coming out can take years. The last thing you want to do is make this about you, because really, it’s not. Even though I knew I was gay when I was four, it took me until two years after I’d moved out of my parents’ house to go back and tell them. Let him do his thing.
Leila, Vancouver
Your son has already taken a big step in admitting he is gay to his brother. Kudos to him. However, to share this news with you is another challenge and it appears that he is not yet ready to do so. There have been a ton of negative reactions from parents after finding out that their child is gay. I’m sure your son might be thinking something like this: “No matter how much my parents love or support me, they will never accept me being gay”.
Clara, Vancouver
I was the kid who was closeted and whose parents knew. My mom told me one day that she knew; she had read something that I had written. Truth be told, I was relieved. The truth was “out,” and I didn’t have to face the agony of approaching the subject myself.
Tina, Vancouver
Kids are so private at that age; it must be incredibly hard not to be able to openly support him. What about your other son? You could suggest that he admit to his brother that he blew it. That way he can apologize and feel better. The bonus is that your older son will know that you know. The conversation will probably open up naturally from there.
Marilyn, Vancouver
Despite how far the LGBT community has come, we are still faced with so much discrimination and really, sometimes just want to be able to date and have fun without justifying everything. Be the one person who doesn’t ask. Please.
Barry, Vancouver
Growing cultural acceptance means gay teenagers are “coming out” earlier than ever, and many feel better about themselves than previous generations. Still, many continue to have a tough time. Taunting at school is common and its insidious brother, cyber-bullying, is rampant. More than two-thirds of LGBT teens admit to feeling unsafe because of physical threats or verbal harassment, with approximately 32 per cent contemplating or attempting suicide yearly.
Given the hard facts on the mental health risk for those trying to “come out,” it’s little wonder parents feel an urgent need to be involved and ensure their child isn’t isolated. But what’s a parent to do when the offer is met with little more than a teenage grunt?
First, re-orient yourself with the notion that it’s perfectly normal for a teen to keep information from his parents. Only your son knows the real reason he hasn’t let you into his love life yet, and perhaps, like the reality behind much of teen behaviour (gay or straight), his need to shut you out is in part normal individuation. Sometimes (often) teens just simply don’t share that much with parents. Still, it’s important to maintain the practice of entering his world, regardless.
Second, bringing up gay and lesbian issues from time to time is an indirect and non-threatening way to start setting the groundwork for letting your son know your open views. Find a way to slip in a statement that makes your acceptance abundantly clear. “I hope you know, that if you’re ever dating someone, guy or girl, I’d love to be let in on it, because there’s nothing you can say to me that’s going to make me any less proud of you.”
Third, do not incriminate your youngest son by letting on that he accidentally tipped you off. Your boys clearly have a trusting relationship and revealing his slip may very well affect their trust levels permanently.
Finally, even if your son knows in his core you’ll meet his news with acceptance and love, coming out to a parent can be intimidating and scary. Be patient, and hold your hope that there will be a day when he’ll be ready to bring you into his private world.
Special to The Sun
Boy, have I messed this one up. I’ll be first to admit I don’t have the cleanest language but my youngest son’s recently started mimicking me and he now has some heavy problems with the other kids.
I had a mom come at me when I was picking him up at school, saying her boy was mouthing off at her using all sorts of swear words that he learned from my kid, and now it seems like the whole parking lot’s glaring at me when I pull in. My kid’s getting left out of play groups, which is bad because the worse it gets with his friends, the worse he gets at home with acting out.
I’m a tradesman, my father was a tradesman, and my oldest son is now in the business. We’re rough around the edges and I grew up in the same boat with my dad swearing like a sailor, but I never had these problems because I knew when to mind my mouth. We’ve tried threatening and bribing him to clean up his act, and my wife’s at the end of her rope.
I’m an old dog well past the point of learning new tricks but we gotta nip this in the bud for the kid. How can we stop this bad habit?
Pottymouth Parent, Alderbrook
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